SquarePegBooks

Do you ever wonder when it will be “your turn”?

Like, whenever you get hyped up because your name is next on the roster? You go through your stretches; you mentally rehearse what you’re going to do. You take your place, crouch down on the starters blocks, take a deep breath. Focus-

“hey!”

“huh?”

“We need you to step off. The stats have changed, and we have to change our lineup to keep the team in the game.”

So you step off. Because you’re a team player. It’s irritating as hell, but you do it, because that’s what’s supposed to be best for the team. And just because the lineup changed doesn’t mean you’re out of the game. You’re assured you’re still in the game, that you’ll get your turn, so you step off with grace and dignity, maybe stuffing down some hurt feelings.

Then your turn is coming up again. You go through your routine, maybe reassess your game plan because the field of play has changed.

We need you to step off.

And, hey, it hurts they say that, but they show you the numbers. And yeah, things could be easier/better if you step off.

You don’t want to hurt the rest of your team. You don’t want to make them feel bad, or lose their turn because of changes that are totally not their fault and completely out of their control. And you’re assured, we promise, you will get your turn.

So you step off.

And it happens again

And again.

Again.

Team members drop off, and you’re asked to pick up the slack to hold the team together. But holding the team together doesn’t get you your turn on the field. It means you do a lot of support work for the team.

You pay attention to the game. You notice things about it, about your teams, about other teams. You realize that team sports may not be your thing. You realize you might even be playing the wrong sport.

But extracting yourself takes time, and setting yourself up to jump to something new is even harder, because it takes a toll on you, especially mentally.

If you have a mental illness, you can feel more obligated than most to “take one for the team,” because there’s a need to show that you’re not a burden, not a whiner, not self-centered. The other side of that is the resentment that builds inside, because you’ve set yourself up as “Good Old Reliable Michael,” who gets the job done without complaining about the circumstances.

Then everyone gets confused when you lose your shit and explode. It was never a problem before, so why is it a problem now, especially over an issue that’s not even worth flipping out about?

The truth is, if you are “Good Old Reliable Michael,” no one is ever going to make “your turn” a priority. No one is going to play fair, and make sure you get your chance in the game. You will have to listen to your gut about when it’s right to step off, or when it’s best to stand firm.

It will inconvenience people. Some will complain. Others will try to twist it around. Some will decide you’re not the “team player” they want, and can you.

A few will support your decision. More will be irritated by it.

What are you willing to live with? What regrets are you willing to have on your death bed about your life?