SquarePeg Books

July 3 question – What are your ultimate writing goals, and how have they changed over time (if at all)?

Ahhh… I’mma write about something else.

“Things I Finally Learned After I Got Hit Over The Head With Them.”

I’m an “All or Nothing”  kind of person when it comes to certain things, like volunteer work. If I say “I will take position X,” then I’m all in. I commit to position X. I will devote far more hours to position X than my predecessors have, and likely more than the next person who takes up position X after me.

On the plus side, this means that position X will be thoroughly done – there will be documentation of everything I do, because that would’ve been what I would’ve wanted handed off to me (And because I don’t want to get blamed for something because of lack of documentation, which sadly, has happened in the professional office world. I learned about CYA the hard way.). Items will be repaired or outright replaced. “How-to’s” will be written up so that even a 5th grade reading level can understand the directions (a requirement from a previous office job). Sources cited, copies and master copies made and put together in binders for easy reference.

On the down side, this means position X rules my spare time. ALL of my spare time. When I do have time, I have no energy, because the people around me figured out “Hey! this person is committed to position X. I’ll bet we can dump Y and Z on her, too.”

And of course, this happens in volunteer positions – where everyone wants things to be done, but no one has the desire to do them, because the ROI for themselves is not fulfilling enough. In a work environment, you can get something back – OT, maybe time-off, a resume builder, a “good boy” that can count towards a raise or a promotion, something.

Not so much when you’re doing the volunteer gig. Especially when there is the undercurrent of “we don’t have the money to blow, so if you could just soak the cost, that would be great.” No one ever says this, of course, but there is a lot of pressure to “donate” time and resources from the few that actually step up to do the work. I’d had a lot of people offer vague promises to help, but when put to the test almost none of them followed through.

Pick your volunteer gig. Most of the ones I’ve seen play this way. I’ve even seen a few that expect you to buy a membership (not cheap) into the non-profit for the privilege of working a retail gig, for no pay, to benefit the non-profit.

And if your good with that, then hey – good on you. For some folks, that makes them happy. As long as you’re happy, then all is good.

I’m not usually happy with volunteer gigs. I get bitter quickly.

It’s my all own fault – like I said, I’m an “All in or Not At All” kind of person when it comes to that sort of thing. And so many people simply won’t step up. Or worse, the ones that do totally hose the job because they don’t care to do it correctly (or they have a power thing going on – I’ve had to deal with that, too).

Witnessing the negative results of lackluster and/or incompetent volunteering made me feel obligated to step up for the various positions. I felt like it was something I had to do if Program ABC and Program 123 were going to survive.

So there I am with my “get committed” attitude and the side effects that come with it –  personal time goes to hell. All of my energy to do other things goes to crap. I can’t even squeeze in “housecleaning” without sacrificing something else from the time/energy budget.

There is no time to write. There is no energy to write. I’m consumed with the next meeting, the next presentation, the next report, the next project. Desire to write isn’t dead, just not enough to make me rise to the occasion – just enough to make me bitter because I can’t seem to force it to work.

Bitterness. Fatigue. Irritation. An overwhelming sense of Helplessness.

I didn’t realize that it was like that for me until I threw in the towel for Position 1X in a fit of rage.  The willful incompetence and lack of common sense (much less basic human decency) pushed me over the edge and I quit with no hesitation.

The relief afterward was tangible.

Before, I’d been scarfing caffeine up until 5pm just to make it to 9pm.

Within 2 days after quitting Position 1X, I’d quit caffeine cold turkey. No side effects except that I actually had energy to tackle mundane tasks that I didn’t have before for the first time in more than a year. By the end of a week, I’d thought I lost 15 pounds because of how much lighter I felt (I didn’t, dammit, but I physically felt lighter).

And I’d started writing again. It surged out of my hands and onto the page. For the first time in years, it flowed. For a week, I could barely keep up with the ideas that ran rampant through my head.

Then it trickled. Then it stopped.

I still have Position 2X on my hands. Not as demanding as 1X, and with a completely different organization, but still demanding, none the less. Things have to get completed if I’m going to step away from that position as well. The ball has been set in motion, but quite frankly, it isn’t moving fast enough for my liking. I’m trying to end it on a high note – everyone has fun, the position gets handed off in a somewhat organized fashion, and I can walk away knowing that whatever happens next there is sooooo not my concern.

I’s need to be dotted. T’s need to be crossed.

And then there are all the things that I’d put off when juggling Positions 1X and 2X – house maintenance things, research, a year of emails that I haven’t read but saved for “when I have the time/energy,” projects slated for that same ephemeral moment that aren’t critical but were promised. This summer is going to be devoted to most of that list. I figure if I can put in 2-3 hours a day, I can get most of it done before the school year hits.

The lesson I learned?

I can’t do volunteer work and be a Mom and be the primary for all the things immediate house and family, and write. Some people can make that work.

I am not one of them.  The volunteer bit has to go. I will have to be vigilant about keeping that spot empty – there are more organizations and people who are of the thought that I have plenty of time to spare. I may even have to learn the word “no” to friends and family alike, no matter their request in order to keep my own head above water.

It took almost 3 years to figure that out.

Better late than never, I suppose.

Check out the Insecure Writer’s Support Group to see more writers dish about their concerns, their solutions to various problems, or just genera merinthophobia.