SquarePeg Books

The last few months have been rough for me, though I don’t know exactly why. I’ve been excessively fatigued, exceptionally spacey.

I’ve gone through the usual suspects: diet, supplements, meds, menopause, recovering TBI, a basic downward spiral, even the beginnings of a cold (that irritating beginning, where you wonder if you’re getting sick, but your body hasn’t decided on a direction yet, but you live in that “maybe” zone for weeks).

But nothing is really solving it. I’ve changed this, re-jiggered that, researched, slept and wallowed in brain rot. Between my part time job and the constant crashing of Scribus as I’m trying to format the first fantasy book, my anxiety is only amping up more.

My digestion has been … delicate… and… sudden… for the last 18 months. I’ll get a handle on a dietary/supplement solution, and it will work for a while, but then I’ll suddenly be back to square one. Which includes packing a change of clothes with me wherever I go, because  “sudden” is unforgiving.

Talk about increasing anxiety and depression.

My work as an office admin could definitely be a reason or four. I’ve been given all the responsibilities of a general manager, but all the authority of a 16 year old part time cashier. I can’t really consider quitting until at least May of 2026 without being an absolute asshole to the owner. Which is, you know, stressful, and doesn’t do much to reduce anxiety.

My laptop is refusing to cooperate. It started with the hdmi port dying. Then I got a usb/hdmi conversion piece, and it turns out that it only works on one usb port, not just any usb port. It could be dying. I wouldn’t call it ancient, but it is old enough that you could put it in a pillowcase and use it as a murder weapon. Getting a new laptop sounds sexy and exciting, but it’s an expense I’d rather not right now. I’m not a computer expert. but I do try to troubleshoot what I can Another thing that could be causing an anxiety spike.

The mini-split in my shed is leaking condensation. I would say gushing, but that’s a little dramatic. I thought I had fixed it last month by readjusting the drain hose, but that doesn’t seem to be the answer. I’m fiddling with the settings, kinda hoping I can find a magic fix without calling in some one that costs $100 just to walk in the door. But It’s looking like that’s going to have to happen. I’m kinda hoping I can put it off until next summer, since fall is here, but we’re still experiencing 85 F days, and that gets amplified in my shed, meaning my electronics could get fried if I leave them run them during the day without a cool enough environment.

I didn’t realize I was crying until after I’d spent an hour fiddling with the second monitor display that is not working for *reasons*, and another 30 minutes trying to troubleshoot the mini-split. When I paused, I could feel tears streaming down my face. No hitching breath, no sobbing. Just tears.

I’ll have to start wearing the rings again. I haven’t for a little while, because, well, I wasn’t violently picking at my cuticles. Now the urge is almost irresistible.

And this is what my mental state is: a bit like a roller coaster. Sometimes I’m climbing up and up and up, and other times it’s a speeding steep spiral downward. Some have suggested that I may be bi-polar, but I’m