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I’m thinking about throwing this in on the second Wednesday of each month. I write about it enough here, so perhaps I can contain it to one post a month instead of every other post if I dedicate a specific day to it.

Depression is a personal struggle of mine, and has been since I was 15. I’m a Gen-Xer, so back in the day, you weren’t considered to have a mental health problem like depression unless you had a couple three suicide attempts under your belt.

I didn’t have any attempts, so my “attitude” was labeled as “attention seeking.” Back in the day, “passive suicide ideation” might have been a term bandied about in professional circles, but it wasn’t something joe-average knew about.

Joe-average knew about crazy aunts with untreated bipolar or schizophrenia, but depression? If you had a decent life, and didn’t experience a massive trauma or tragedy of some kind, you don’t have a reason to be depressed. You just need to pull yourself out of it.

While this particular “logic” is still pretty popular, there’s more information out there now for Joe-average to access on their own. The Internet really changed the landscape of how the general public views and understands mental health.

I’ve been on and off meds for depression since the late 1990’s. I would try one, and maybe it would work or maybe it wouldn’t. Then I’d try to get off them, or I’d have to switch meds because of the side effects. Or I’d try to get off them again.

Doctors weren’t very helpful. I was told to “experiment with the dosage” or that “you can just stop the meds at any time–there’s no need to step down slow off of them” and if I seemed to be experiencing adverse effects from not taking them, well, “you can just start them back up without a problem.”

To this day, not one has mentioned things like serotonin syndrome, or side effects that could negatively affect my health.

But I have been told, repeatedly that:

You need a therapist

(I have one. Please check my file before saying this. It took forever to find her, and she’s now winding things down towards retirement.)

You need to exercise and lose weight

(Yes, I am aware. And no, I don’t drink soda, alcohol, eat out or consume deserts at home that often. If you would read my file, you would see a number of physical, hormonal and endocrinological issues that have made things a lot harder. While we’re on the subject of me losing 50lbs, let’s talk about that beer-keg you’ve got in place of a six-pack.)

Journaling, especially gratitude journaling, helps.

(It does, to a point, yes. I have a collection of different journals, that I’ve maintained for years. Would you like to review them?)

You need to get out of the house and socialize

(My job as a receptionist at a music school is to literally paste a smile on my face, and an upbeat attitude in my voice and mannerisms at all times, while I deal with parents, teachers and students, many of whom do not understand that they aren’t more important than the next guy, there are consequences for your actions when you constantly reschedule appointments to accommodate your own schedule, and while I will try to bend over backwards so you can have what you want for your schedule, I can only do so much with 150 people, 4.5 rooms, across 6 days a week, when everyone is competing for the exact same time slots. Socializing is the last thing I want to do after dealing with prima donna’s all day, who have no problems trying to make me feel like shit for doing my job, b/c they aren’t getting the exact cookie they want.)

You should probably change/quit your job.

(And go where, exactly? I have a 12 year gap in my employment history, and, sadly,  I am one of those aforementioned prima donna’s who has to constantly scramble on short notice to reschedule a shift because I have 2 kids in high school, who can’t yet drive. Trust me when I say no one wants to hire that.)

Chronic dysthymia is a great deal like any other chronic illness–you have to do your own research, you have to be willing to change doctors if your current one isn’t working for you, you may have to develop a spine when you.push back with your doctor because this med/treatment isn’t working for me for these reasons.

A depressive has to be their own advocate. It’s exhausting, it’s depressing, it’s frustrating, it’s revealing, and it’s filled with quacks and legitimate knowledge down every rabbit hole.  Figuring out what works is the first challenge.

And each step afterwards is the next challenge.

I can not offer any medical advice for you. I can tell you about my experiences, good, bad and wtf across the many diverse topics I’ve been led through.

So I guess we’ll see where this goes.