SquarePeg Books

I got past the holidays, the birthdays, the election. I finally finished the flooring in the kitchen. There were the snows that had to be shoveled RIGHT NOW because my driveway is such that if I don’t keep up with each snow dump, I’ll have a sizable glacier to deal with in mid-May.

“Once I get past this stuff, I’ll be able to focus on my stuff.”

And I did. For about 10 days.

Now I’m back to hanging onto existence by my fingernails. Creative thought is just a bridge too far at the moment.

I keep telling myself that even baby steps forward still count as movement in the right direction, but it’s a hard concept to accept.

5 years ago I was in almost this exact same “spoon theory” existence model. I was convinced things were only going to get worse.

A foot surgery changed everything. I could think, I could sleep, I could walk and sit and stand and create with almost no pain or exhaustion. I didn’t have to measure day by “if I’m going to work, that means I have enough physical and mental energy to shower, dress, and eat before driving.”

Writing had all but ceased to be an option.

Then I had the surgery. After 30 years, my body stopped compensating for a jacked up foot. I had energy, mental clarity. Getting back to writing was more than a little difficult, and yeah, there’s resistance, but I had the ability to consider things creatively. Ponder and explore ideas. Maybe even learn new software while navigating the small business owner landscape.

Cracking my head this summer put me right back at square one again.

An afternoon I would not consider mentally challenging at all 2 years ago, has since become an event that can lay me out for days afterwards. If I’m working on a project, I have to tap out after an hour or 2, and not come back until the next day, or I make too many mistakes that can set me back for days.

This is the new challenge for my writing.

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