SquarePeg Books

A few years ago, I had a rough time, mentally. I’ve had more than one episode, actually.

Somehow I got addicted to YouTube. True Crime, Comedy and History documentaries are my go to’s. Every once in a while, a reaction/opinion creator; a movie that’s free with ads.

At the time, it was an excellent way to drown out the negative noise in my head.

A few more episodes, two surgeries with a month of required sitting on my ass each, and now I can’t stand the silence–not having something playing in the background drives me up the wall with some form of bizarro anxiety.

I know binging YouTube, Day-in Day-out, is not accomplishing anything constructive towards my own personal goals. I can actually measure how much time I lose daily on YouTube. I am consciously AWARE of HOW I am WASTING my time.

I cannot seem to let go of the algorithm choosing my next sensory guzzle.

It’s such an easy thing to slip into–no thinking because the darkness is too loud.

When I was a teenager, I would select cd’s to be alone in my room with. I remember cycling through my collection of movie soundtracks until I found one that fit my mood.

That feels like so much work, right now. It’s felt like so much work for a long time. Everything feels like work. I know it is work to overcome even a “non-harmful” addiction like this, but it would be nice if there was an easy substitute for it.

It feels stupid to complain about this. Just put a timer or a lock on your YouTube. Set up a reward system for every hour/day/week you don’t watch. Explore new hobbies, dive into old ones, make a list of everything you could do if you weren’t constantly eye-guzzling mindlessly.

So many suggestions to how to break a bad habit, but it’s so hard to just do it.

Not impossible.

Just really, really, stupid hard.