SquarePeg Books

Have you ever decided to take a long, hard look at your life and *think* about what it is your doing and why and what you are expecting to get out of it?

Have you ever noticed that in most movies, the hero doing this manages to sort his/her shit out in a single night of meandering around the city or watching the sun rise? I have recently begun to believe that is BS, based upon my own experiences.

I have pondered to the point of being frozen.

I want to write.  I want to be able to focus on my writing. (And, you know, building up the social media thing (Which I do not like to do. At all.) and reading other people’s blogs and commenting on those blogs so I can do the professional business turn-about thing and keeping up with industry matters, and, and, and….)

Things have been difficult lately. The rug of certainty got pulled out from under me (at least it feels like it). People are trying to be encouraging. They’re trying to help, each in their own way. Some people do not see the same problems I do. I feel that I will need to abandon some things in order to do others.

Chill out. I’m not talking about writing. While I did and still deal with those existential questions about writing, they tend to be more on the side of “how will I do X” or “will I be satisfied with X” and that kind of a thing.

My existential “what should I do?” issues are more along the lines of where and why and how to invest my time.

I made a bucket list a few years ago. It isn’t terribly long, and not really in any particular order, but as I creep further into my eld (I’m at the ripe old age of 42 right now)  I look at that list and wonder how to prioritize. Obviously, the extremely physical stuff should head towards the top . I’m not saying an 8o year old granny can’t participate in roller derby for a year, but it isn’t as easy as it was in your 40’s.

But I’ve already been hit with “I waited too long” for some of these things. At least, it feels like it. Recent events have dictated I won’t have most days open (or the money) anymore, anyway. As a matter of fact, I won’t have most days to attend to the bucket list.

It isn’t a crisis, but it is a bit of a pain in the ass. I have to put it on the back burner and wait until another opportunity comes along. So I go back to the list and look for something else that might fit in with the time and money budget – which is kind of odd because I’m not available for “something else” until… well, a lot later, we’ll say. But I want to plan. I want to be able to say I have a plan.

I also have to be able to afford the damned plan, both in time and money, which does not play into the “fuck it, I’ll do what I want and the universe will find a way for me” type of mentality that tracks with the typical Hollyweird  existential life problems overnight solution experience.

Some of these experiences on the list are simply that – I want to experience X. I want to do X. Others are a combination of –  I want to do X, which will also track nicely into how I want to write character/scene/whatnot in story 1A.

None of these items on the list are anything I want to give up. Most of these items can’t be put on hold for too much longer (like, say, roller derby). None of these items I would call “critical to survival.” All of these items I feel are somehow tied to my emotional well-being.

Selling that last phrase is the trick. “Emotional well-being” and “Self Care,” are words that are bandied about, but when the rubber hits the road, if the cost impacts your time and money budget (or, the Gods forbid, what others believe you should spend your time and money budget on), then there’s usually a conflict of some kind.