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Depression can suck the energy out of me. Some days I literally cannot summon the raw will to go to the bathroom and swish some mouthwash. Just mouthwash. Brushing teeth? Flossing? When I’m struggling just to care about breathing? I should eat, but thinking about making something is tiring. Thinking about chewing is tiring.

I end up eating junk, not because I want to, but because it is the thing with the least amount of thinking involved.

On really bad days, I won’t even pay attention to my food sensitivities. Regular plain bagels sound awesome! Who gives a shit if they make my depression worse?

Oh, you probably haven’t heard about that. In the last 15 years, they’ve been studying food and its affect on mental illnesses. In 2011, medical journal papers began emerging that yes, there is a gluten and casein link for some people. It was noted that while they don’t have reactions like gastrointestinal distress, they do experience low energy, brain fog, and other issues.

These findings were notable enough that some psychiatric offices in the US in 2012 posted on their websites that if you were coming to them to investigate the possibility of reducing their med-load for schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder, you would be put on a dairy free, gluten free diet for the first 6 weeks, and then they would work on the medication reduction. If you’re not willing to stick to that regimen with iron discipline as a life change, then don’t even bother making an appointment with us.

In 2015, medical papers started coming out, talking about gluten psychosis. Some people don’t process gluten right. People with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and major depressive disorder were noted to be more commonly affected. Brain fog, increased depression, and increased fatigue are common. Schizophrenia and bi-polar may experience even more extreme symptoms. Gluten free diets help some of those folks.

I’ve known my body wasn’t doing something right with gluten and some other common food ingredients since 2012, but it’s nice to know that I’m not a hypochondriac.

My family has a history of bi-polar and depression on both sides. I’ve dealt with depression since 15.

Sticking to the diet helps, but it isn’t the end-all be-all answer. I still have to take the meds.

Of course there are the mass of supplements that claim to help with mood boosting and energy and sleep (sleep is another problem). I’ve tried some of them. There’s often a benefit in the beginning, sometimes even a crazy awesome noticeable benefit.

Then time passes. The benefit might still be there, but often it’s just a tiny one. Other times I wasn’t careful enough about how the supplements were made, and I start dragging again until I figure out -oh, this mushroom coffee isn’t gluten free (mushrooms are often grown in gluten grain thrash, and a lot of companies use the stems as well, which introduces gluten into the mix); oh, this has carrageenan in it (not gluten based, but something about it has a similar effect on me),-oops this has artificial sweeteners in it (also a number of fun side effects that aren’t gluten related, but still mess me up).

Lactose and Casein are other of my nemeses. I’m lactose intolerant, and casein is found in all dairy, regardless of processing–it has a molecular structure similar to gluten, with often similar side effects to the brain, for those of us who react to it like that. Vitamins, herbs, supplements . . . I have to be aware of them all.

I’m also a stress eater–salt, savories, potatoes. I hold that in check as much as I can, but some days . . . It’s almost impossible to have the energy to do the right thing, the healthy thing, the good thing.

It isn’t uncommon for the thought to run through my head “maybe it’s my fault. Maybe the real problem is that I choose to be this way. Maybe I choose to be unhappy on some level. Clearly I’m making some kind of choice, because I’m eating like this.”

I think just about everyone can agree to the concept of how hard it can be to stick to a restrictive diet in the long run. Especially when that diet wasn’t introduced until your 40’s. After you know what a regular cheese pizza tastes like.

I never thought I would be jealous of my children being able to eat cheap freezer pizza.

Some days are easy. I can stay on track effortlessly. Other days, not so much.